I’ve been struggling with issues in my life for a very long time. Very small, subtle ones. At times I can be very happy, but for the most part there would be this “blanket of gray” over me. A soft depression that would intensify under certain circumstances (like a failure or an illness). I tried to deal with it in the conventional sense, by seeing a therapist. His focus is in behavioral therapy, which I feel has a lot of merit. But, when we were finding the techniques not really working, he suggested a pharmaceutical route. I started taking an anti-depressant drug. But rather than help me, it altered my behavior in a peculiar, subtle way. I just didn’t feel like myself. And it wasn’t really helping anyway.

What I began to see is that behavior cannot change if the crux of what is causing it is not addressed. It’s like trying to put out a candle by starving it of oxygen. Yes, you can get the flame to lower, but it is still there, because the wick is strong, wound tightly over the many years. Even if you snuff out the flame, the glowing ember continues until the oxygen returns and ignites once again.

I did all kinds of self-analysis. I came to know all of the trauma points in my life. And despite all that, I wasn’t getting through my dysfunction. When I got laid off after our company went under, things exacerbated. All of those subtle issues came closer to the surface. And my tendency to avoid responsibility intensified. I was lucky not to have a wife, children, or heavy financial obligations. But in a way, it gave me the flexibility to let go… and not take charge. Until, my funds would run out and I’d be nearing financial catastrophe.

Finally the epiphany came. And when I saw your article, it only confirmed it for me. What has been missing is that I have been angry at myself for all of my short comings. I’ve not been able to forgive myself for not being stronger, and not becoming what I wanted to be. I have been my own worst enemy. My own “secret saboteur”. I took that phrase and searched… and found myself here. And now, my path is clear. I have to forgive myself. Make peace so that I can make progress. If I don’t… well, the saboteur will succeed, but in the end harm the only person who really matters. Me.

Karol